So, he has put me on a different pain medication that is geared more towards easing arthritic pain (which means I can stop taking the medicine that made me sleepy!  Yay!)  Sadly, that was the expensive one, so there’s that money out the window, the new medication is just as expensive, and I don’t get to discontinue it until after I get the the injections (sigh).  He also ordered an MRI, and was as surprised as I was that the orthopedic surgeon didn’t order it already.

Which leads me to the second part of his plan.  He is going to do three injections, each two weeks apart, into the larger joint that is causing most of my pain.  For this, I will be in a hospital, and be under conscience sedation (basically, I won’t remember anything, but I won’t be completely under.)  Then we will reevaluate.  If I continue to have pain, he is going to do a similar procedure to the last two vertebrae.

Happily, he didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t get pregnant after all of this is done. He did, however, warn me that my symptoms could flair up again during pregnancy, but most people’s pain eases after giving birth.  So, there is still hope for baby #2!

That’s the plan.  Its going to be kind of a scheduling nightmare because I cannot drive myself to these procedures, and so we will obviously have to get babysitters for Chloe.  Luckily, several of my mom’s club friends have offered, so I am not as concerned about that as I am for poor John, who will have to drive me to all of these appointments.  He really is a saint and I am lucky to have such a supportive and wonderful husband.  He has to be to put up with all the crap that comes along with marrying me!

On the 4th of July, while waiting for the Kazoo parade to begin, I squat down to take a picture of Chloe in her stroller and did something to my back.  I say something, because I still don’t know what I did.  All I know is I moved the same why I have hundreds of times since I had Chloe, and this time something went wrong.  I felt it immediately, but I had no idea how bad it was.  If I had, I probably wouldn’t have participated in the parade.  However, that’s neither here nor there.  I did something, and it hurt.

And it continued to hurt.  It finally got so bad, I couldn’t walk.  Ellen and I had walked to Mainstreet for dinner, and on the way home, I just couldn’t even take a step with out a sharp shooting pain going up my hip and into my back.  Add to that the muscle spasms that tend to accompany a back injury, and I was in agony.  I have felt a lot of pain in my battle with scoliosis, but this is really the only time I have felt agony.  We had to stop walking, and made Ellen’s husband, Dan, load her kids in the car and come get us.  (John was home with a sleeping Chloe.)

John took a half day on Monday, and we went to the local Urgent Care.  The doc prescribed me muscle relaxers and pain meds that work, but make me so sleepy I don’t feel comfortable driving a car after taking them.   And I got more x-rays.  I also put in a call to the Orthopedic Surgeon I saw in January.  He had recommended a pain management specialist, but after struggling with insurance, and waiting a month for an appointment that never happened, I shoved it to the back burner and went on with my life.  Well, his response for this injury is I needed to follow through with pain management before he will see me again.

Soooooo….back to square two.  (I say two, because “one” was finding out what was initially causing the pain.)  I called the insurance company this time, and found my own Pain Management Specialist (who is also conveniently local) instead of relying on a referral.  But, again, they couldn’t see me for two weeks, and this is only a consultation.  I have to assume, and the doc at urgent care agreed, that I will have to have a new MRI done before any real decisions can be made about my treatment.  The Orthopedic surgeon, believes that the PMS can give me injections that are some what like an epidural that you will get while giving birth.  It will have to be done in a hospital, however I think it is an outpatient procedure and will not require a hospital stay.

In the mean time, I can’t stand for longer than 10 minutes without a sharp pain in my hip.  If I do stand for too long, or walk too much, my back starts to spasm, and I have to sit down in order to settle it down. This means I can’t stand at the sink long enough to do the dishes.  I can’t vacuum, I can’t carry the laundry up and down the stairs, I struggle with bending down to pick up Chloe’s toys.  So, poor John is working ten hour days at Vonage, then having to come home and pick up my slack with housework.

The worst is I can’t pick up Chloe, and she loves to be held.  Her favorite game is “chase” and I can’t run after her right now.  Luckily, I discovered if I am careful, I can still push the swing on the playground, which is good.  However, she has started complaining about her own aches and pains so that she can fit in with mommy.  She understands that Mommy’s back hurts, but she doesn’t get that kissing it won’t make it better, and going to the doctor won’t make it better.  Sigh.

To add insult to injury, John and I had decided to have another baby, and now there is no way I can even think about pregnancy.  I keep telling myself “not never, just not now.”  Let’s hope I can stick to that because I really want to have another baby.

So, feeling  a little blue.  I don’t really want to talk about it, because it just brings up too much disappointment and frustration, but I need to get some of it off my chest.

I do feel a little bit better knowing we have a course of action.  Instead of just waiting for the next episode and hoping it doesn’t happen, we are taking a more aggressive approach to fix it.  It kind of sucks that I see a long road ahead of me, but at least I do feel there is an end in sight.

But, there are definitely times when the reality of day to day living gets to be a little too much.

Last week, I found out the the doctor I was waiting to see to give me the pain relieving shot in my back is no longer accepting ANY patience with my insurance.  Of course, my appointment just for the consult was supposed to be on the 8th.  So I waited  two months for an appointment that was canceled a week before it took place.  Sigh.

I have decided at this point that I am not going to follow up.  I am actually not doing to bad these days, certainly not bad enough to deal with trying to find another doc and deal with the insurance.  So, I think I will wait.  Unfortunately, while I was waiting previously I completely stopped exercising.  Which, of course, means I have been putting on some serious weight.  Which means I know have to go back on my diet, and start exercising every day until I can get back down to where I should be.

All this being said, I am HUNGRY!  And that makes me a little mean.

Then, on top of all this, Chloe has regressed again with potty training.  I totally take responsibility for this one.  When Tabby was in town, I put her back into pull-ups because we were spending so much time in the car, and I didn’t want to deal with wet pants and washing the car seat cover.  Well, she has gotten lazy again.  Yesterday, she had three accidents, two of those during nap time.  (She woke up wet and dirty, I had to go change her, strip her bed, then put her back down again.  She woke up again two hours later wet.)  I understand that this happens, it is just so frustrating!

In addition to that, I was in the process of doing laundry, and her accidents added two more loads.  And, its nearly impossible to get laundry folded and put away while she is awake.  She tries to “help” and she unfolds all the laundry I just folded.  Then I am yelling at her, she’s crying and it just gets chaotic.

So, my house is a mess, I have ten loads of laundry I need to do, a sink full of dishes, and a whiny two year old.  And if that weren’t enough, both she and I are SICK!  AGAIN!  I swear, I cannot keep this child healthy for more than a week.  It is so frustrating!  And all I want to do is sleep.

Which I did last night, I went to bed at 9:00pm.  I just gave up, I figured it would be better to sleep then to take it out on poor John.

And, I have no where to direct this anger, because it’s NOBODY’S fault.  And yet, I feel betrayed, frustrated, and generally angry.

And, yes, this is in regards to my back.

I finally sucked it up, and called the doc to get the magical shot that is going to make all of this go away.  Three complications:

1)  They (of course) don’t take my insurance.

2)  They can’t see me until April, and that is just for the consult.  Then, when I actually get the shot, I have to have somebody with me because, apparently, I will be sedated.

3)  If I happen to get pregnant (and yes, we’ve talked about trying for #2) I can’t get the shot anyway.

I just can’t seem to win.

None of this was supposed to happen.

When I had the original surgery, it was supposed  to “fix” whatever was wrong with me.  And, yeah, things could be worse.  But, seriously!  Nobody ever said anything about the long term.  Nobody discussed with me the idea of arthritis and more surgery.  I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED.  And I am not.  And it sucks.

And I don’t want to deal with it.  I just want to pretend that none of this is happening and go about my life as if I didn’t know.  But I do.  And it’s only going to get worse.  And that sucks.

But, I can’t let it dissuade me from living my life.  I know what I want, and I can’t let this get in the way.  The reality is:  If I decide to take the “suck it up” approach to back pain.  Then I actually have to do just that, suck it up.  And, most days I can do that.  But there are days.  Oh, there are days.  I can’t stand for more then 15 minutes, can’t sit for more than 30, can’t lie down in ANY position and fall asleep.  I can’t pick up my child.  I can’t pick up my child’s toys.  Just thinking about it makes me shake my head.

But, this is my reality, and I cannot escape it.

And, apparently, I can’t change it any time soon.

So, that leaves me with what?  Sucking it up, and feeling sorry for myself.  Sigh.  I hate this.

If you look at the above xray, you can see that the rods in my back don’t come down to the last two vertebrae. They did this because I was twelve when I had the surgery and they wanted to make sure I still had some flexibility and some room to grow (although, they were pretty sure I wasn’t going to grow much more, they didn’t want to take any chances.) As you can see from the xray, I still have a curvature which wasn’t corrected by the rods because of this decision.
Well, those two vertebrae have been acting as a fulcrum for the rest of my back, which is putting undue stress on them, and the discs in between these two vertebrae are breaking down. This is causing premature arthritis in that area of my back. (The doc says, “Everybody gets it, sooner or later.”) For me, its sooner. The last two vertebrae are, on occasion, “separating” which is what is causing the sharp pain I am feeling in my hip.
Sooooo….my options at this point are:

1. To do nothing, deal with the pain, and try to strengthen my core muscles (means working out, probably joining a gym.)
2. Get an injection into the area that is causing me pain, which will help numb that area for a limited amount of time. And during that time, hit the gym and strengthen my muscles, and hopefully hold off #3 for awhile longer.
3. Surgery. They will put two pins on either side of the vertebrae essentially “fusing” them together which will stop them from sliding and hopefully put an end to the pain. Now, I will have to do this eventually. But, the doc feels that since my pain isn’t debilitating that this would be premature. But, he did caution me that I will have to have it done eventually.

And, that’s where we’re at.
I will make a call to another doctor to get the injection, then start hitting the gym and try to stregthen everything up. And then its just a waiting game.

Well, when the first day we toured in Rome we left the stroller back at the villa, I ended up carrying Chloe more than I have for awhile.  It got so bad, I had to just tell her no.  That’s why in most of the pictures Chloe is riding on Daddy’s shoulders.  But, again, I just thought I would let it rest up when we got home, and it would probably go away.

Last Monday, I was in the grocery store pushing the shopping cart and my hip popped out.  It hurt so bad, I literally had to do some serious deep breathing to stop myself from crying.  After that, I thought to myself, “Okay, this is not normal, even for someone with rods.”  I have a pretty high tolerance for pain (you have to when you have scoliosis and chronic back pain) but this was too much for me.

So, I took a big girl pill and started looking into getting it fixed.

Now, unfortunately this has happened to me before.  The last time, the doctor told me that the ligaments in my hips were stretched (and ligaments aren’t supposed to stretch) because they were compensating for the inflexibility in my back.  I went to my primary physician through Kaiser, who referred me to an orthopedic surgeon.  I drove 50 minutes to a different office, then waited for an hour in the waiting room, for him to look at me for 5 minutes, tell me I needed xrays and an MRI, and referred me to a physical therapist to deal with the pain.  While I was making the appt with the PT, I heard the doctor dictating notes about the visit.  He said, “Its degenerative, I don’t think there’s anything we can do.”  I decided at that time that I would do the PT till I felt better, but I wouldn’t follow up with the doc.  I didn’t see the point.

Now, 7 years (or so) later, I am right back where I was.

I called the specialist, who insisted I go to the  primary care physician first.  My doc said I would probably need PT, but wanted a specialist to look me over to see what exercises I should do.  The specialist won’t see me without xrays, so I got those done.  Then I called them to make an appt, they don’t take my insurance.  There isn’t ANYONE in the area who takes my insurance AND works with scoliosis patients.  Another phone call to the insurance company, they kept me on hold for 20 minutes, then told me that before they can “make an exception” I have to have an appointment because they need a physician’s name.  Another phone call to the specialist.  They tell me that I have to find out if I have “out of network” benefits.  Another call to the insurance company.  Another 15 minutes on hold, then I find out I do indeed have out of network, but we have a $2000 deductible.  Call the specialist back.  FINALLY, they make an appointment, but I am going to have to pay for the visit.  Sigh.

Next week I will see the orthopedic surgeon for a “consultation.”  My hope is he’ll look at me, say I need PT, then I can go to an “in network” PT and fix it.  My worst fear is, of course, more surgery.

Luckily, getting the xrays was painless, covered by insurance, and actually kind of fascinating.  I used to joke to my kids all the time that their teacher was actually a cyborg.  Here’s the proof:

But, instead I sat with my child while she was playing, and I listened to CNN in the background.  But, while she was playing, I listened to her, too. I listened as she comforted her “babies” using the same words I use to comfort her.  I listened to her explain right and wrong to her dolls.  I listened to her tell me her alphabet, count forward and backward from ten, and identify her basic shapes.  I listened to her tell me how she loves me.  And I appreciated extra kisses and hugs.  And I payed attention to HER experiences.  (she loved the parade) And I listened to what she was observing and what she was thinking.  I realized that not only am I creating a human, I am creating a “character.”  One who knows right from wrong, one that is well rounded, one who appreciates all aspect of life.  I am creating the future. I might even be creating a leader.

Suddenly, I feel at peace.  I am doing what I can for the future of this country by nourishing the character of my CHILD.  I am raising the future, one person at a time.  It just so happens that the person I am focusing on is my own child.  And I am okay with that.

I may not be where I thought I would be.  But I am where I WANT to be.

And five years from now, Chloe and I will discuss what happened today.  And she will have an extra understanding because I was paying attention.  I am keeping track, and in some ways, score.  And when I look back on my life, I won’t regret not being THERE.  I will appreciate that I was HERE.

We had one of the best airplane flights I have ever been on, they had “video on demand” with a bunch of kids movies.  Chloe was happy, I was happy, John watched a Lord of the Rings Marathon, so he was happy.  The only thing that could have made it a better flight was if the food actually tasted life food, instead of dirt.

Our plan to beat jet lag:

1)  Chloe didn’t sleep on the plane but slept when we got home, which we will call a “nap” even though for us it was 10:00pm.

2)  We wake her up just long enough to have dinner, play with her toys for a bit, then into the bath and  back to bed, which will get her in bed around 7:30 pm New Jersey time.  (Trust me, she is as tired as we are, she asked to go take a bath after only being up for 15 minutes.)

3)  I will NOT ALLOW her to get up super early.  That’s it, putting my foot down, no early rising for me!

Tomorrow, she goes back to school, and we have to start over with potty training.  (Okay, so not OVER, she used the potty’s in Italy, but they freaked her out a little, so we lost some of her consistency, and in the end we all just kid of gave up.)

Back to the daily grind.  It will feel weird, Chloe and I haven’t been really home since Thanksgiving.  I wonder if we’ll remember what it means to NOT travel?

Oh, and John’s working on the pictures.  We have a ton, so its going to take awhile to get them uploaded.

Prelude: About a year ago, my brother decided to come out an visit me.  Not a huge deal, he had visited before.  I talked to him on the phone, and he said, “Yeah, so I’ll see you Thursday.”  I thought he meant THAT Thursday.  Turns out he meant a WEEK from Thursday.

So, THAT Thursday, I show up to the airport with my eighteen month old.

Issue # 1: I realize that I locked my keys in the car.  So, as I am going into the airport to pick up my brother, I call John and ask him to bring me my spare set of keys.

Issue #2: Lance doesn’t arrive at his regularly scheduled flight.  I call him, no answer.  I talk to the flight desk, they insist that not only did the flight arrive on time, but that all the luggage had been accounted for and that no one was missing.  I call my brother, asking him why he wasn’t on the flight.  Finally, an hour later, he gets back to me, “Uh, Tiff, I’m coming in NEXT week.”

Well shit.

John shows up with the spare key, and I have to admit that I have to come back the next week to pick my brother up because I have the wrong week.

Issue #3: When this happened, I still wasn’t all that familiar with the airport area, and didn’t really know how to get home.  John said, “follow me.”  So, I tried.  But he drove too fast and I couldn’t keep up.  I soon realized I was heading towards New York, and I was hopelessly lost.  WITH Chloe in the  back seat.  Plus, she hadn’t had dinner or a diaper change, and it was getting late.

So, I called John, and told him, “I’m lost.  I am at a gas station somewhere.  Please, don’t ask me where.”

After much trial and error, it quickly became clear the he was never going to find me.  So he gave me some vague directions on how to get home from the airport and I was finally able to follow them.

6 hours later, I was home, without my brother, who was coming in the following week.

SO :  HOW IS THIS NOT ABOUT ME?

Tonight, John called me as we were heading home from seeing Santa.  It was about 8:15 mountain time.  We were talking, and I mentioned that I had told Ellen I might see her on Friday play group, but now that I really thought about it, it didn’t make sense because I will have only gotten in at 5 AM and play group started at 9:30.

John:  Why is that an issue, you will have had an whole day to recuperate.

Me:  What do you mean, we get in at 5 am, play group is at 9:30.

John:  Yes, you get in at 5:00am on Thursday, play group is on Friday.

Me:  Uh, no.  I leave at midnight on THURSDAY, and get in at 5 on FRIDAY

John:  I think your wrong.

Me:  Wednesday would mean I leave tonight, in like a half an hour.

John:  Yes, I am planning on getting you from the airport TOMORROW at 5 am.

Me:  NO FUCKING WAY!

John:  Uh, yes.

Me:  OH SHIT, I THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING TOMORROW.

John: Okay, I will look it up, but I am pretty sure I am getting you tomorrow morning.

While John is looking it up, my thoughts were:  “WHOLLY FUCKING SHIT, I STILL HAVEN’T PACKED, OR DONE LAUNDRY! I HAVE NO ONE TO TAKE ME TO THE AIRPORT.  SARA AND MATT WILL HAVE TO TAKE ME, I WILL HAVE TO HAVE MY MOM SHIP ALL MY CLOTHES BECAUSE I HAVE NO TIME TO PACK.”  Of course I assumed I was in error.  I don’t have the best track record when it comes to dates.

John:  Oops.  I guess I had it wrong. You were right.  Well shit, I have an extra day, I am going to go play Guitar Hero.

Me:  YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK.  NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!!!!

John:  Go out.  Relax.  Go have a beer.

Me:  i plan to.  go suck it.

(okay, so I didn’t say that last part.  But I really really wanted to.)

For closure, after I screwed up so badly with my brother’s trip, John bought me a GPS.  Of all the presents I have ever received in my ENTIRE LIFE, that was the best one.  If your loved ones don’t already own one, and you are looking for an idea, GET IT.  It has literally changed my life.

Oh, and I had a great time tonight with Matt and Sara.  You guys rock.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

This has now happened to me several times since: the waiter at Old Chicago’s, the usher at the movie theater, and the guy who rang up my new shirt at Old Navy.  I was confused because I seriously needed a hair cut and I have the remnants of a cold sore.  Surely, no one would find me attractive right now.  And yet,  I kept thinking that they were flirting, they were just so overly nice.

Then I had the embarrassing revelation that they weren’t flirting, it’s just that we are in Colorado where every one is really nice and friendly.  I have gotten so accustomed to the abrupt and sometimes rude nature of New Jersean’s that I had convinced myself that nobody is that nice unless they are flirting.

Sigh, am I becoming one of them?  Please, say it ain’t so!