I believe this is good, for the most part.  I do worry sometimes that we have too much control over what she sees and what she hears.  Will she be able to establish her own likes and dislikes if she is never exposed to anything other than what John and I like and dislike?  Will she miss out on the excitement at Christmas time of creating a “wish list” based on the toys she sees on the TV and in adds?  Will she be able to keep up in social conversations with her friends if she doesn’t have the same exposure to “pop culture” that they have?

I have already noticed that she doesn’t recognize certain characters, specifically Disney classics such as Micky Mouse and Donald Duck.  She uses the generic “Princess” to describe any of the female Disney characters and doesn’t delineate between Cinderella and Snow White (I do have a fairy tale book that has generic forms of these characters that wasn’t published by Disney.)  She doesn’t know Dora, Diego, or the Doodlebops.  The only cartoon she watches at this time is the Little Einsteins because its the only one I can stand, and with Myth TV (or any DVR) she can have it on demand, so she doesn’t have to watch the Disney Channel until it comes on.

It’s possible that most people wouldn’t worry about this, but I am a believer in pop culture.  I enjoy being able to converse with anybody based on what is happening NOW.  I enjoy that sense of belonging when you discover that somebody you just met has read the same books, watches the same TV shows, enjoys the same movies, and listens to the same music.  You have an instant connection.  Am I denying her that by creating  this electronic bubble?  Or, will she be able to see through all of our protections to discover her own identity?  I always assumed once she started going to school, we would start losing control over what she is exposed to, so I wanted to make sure she understands quality before she was thrust into all that noise.  But, perhaps we aren’t giving her a chance to see the bad in order to compare it to the good?

I really want her to have the best in life, but I wonder if I am being too controling in my attempt to expose her to only the best.  And I guess there is the argument that the best is subjective, and who am I to decide?  I know there are more important issues to worry about, like is she eating the right kinds of foods and getting enough excercise.  However, I feel that preparing her socially is also important, and I hope that all of the cool gadgets we have aren’t stunting her ability to cope with the competitive and sometimes cruel kid society.

I am not a bad friend.  We all get caught up in our day to day living and sometimes we forget that there are others out there that we can talk to and confide in with the little things as well as the big things.  I just found out a lot of things I didn’t know in the last week.  Some of these things were directly from the source, and others were told to me by other people, but all the info was old news for everyone but me.  And I have to admit that I was hurt.  I was far out of the loop.

But, like I said, I am off the ledge and back in the loop.  I am letting go of the hurt and the frustration and just accepting that sometimes I am not going to be the first to know.

I don’t feel like I am a judgmental person, I don’t feel like people should be afraid/ashamed to tell me things.  I also feel like I can be trusted.  If you want something to be a secret, I can keep it.  (And trust me, there are people who can attest to that.)  So, why am I sitting her whining?  I miss the friends I had in Colorado.  I have made friends in NJ, but it’s different, and I am not sure why.  But, I idolized what I had here, and when I return I always assume that all those friendships would just go back where I left off.  And yet…

This just reiterates that my loneliness in NJ isn’t just because I moved.  But, because I moved, people stopped considering me someone they could talk to, confide in, relate to.  And now I am feeling even more lonely, because all the things I look forward to are gone, and just coming back to the place doesn’t mean coming back to the feeling and the idea.

To all those friends that I let down, I am sorry.  I am sorry that I got so caught up in my own life you felt like you couldn’t tell me about yours.  I am sorry if I ever made you feel like I would judge you or criticize you in any way for the decisions you have made.  And I am sorry if I didn’t share enough of my faults and failings to make you feel like you could share yours.  I can and will do better if you let me.  Please don’t cancel me out of your life.  I will be there, no questions asked.

I have alway tried to be a good friend.  And, I am, like everyone else on the planet, fallible.  But I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt to discover that the friendsips that I hold most dear, are more important to me than to others.  I am open to suggestions, please let me know what I could do better, and I will.  Just, don’t give up on me.  I am lost, but that doesn’t mean that I am lost forever.

1) two year olds and twelve year olds believe that the world should revolve around them, especially if it doesn’t.

2)  Both are going through a strange transitional period where for the two year olds, they aren’t babies any more, but they aren’t big kids either.  With 12 year olds, they aren’t kids anymore, but they haven’t crossed over into being teenagers.

3)  Independence is of vital importance, except when they need help, and then its not.

4)  They know EVERYTHING.  And any suggestion an adult makes is suspect.

5)  They have absolutely no control over their emotions, especially anger and frustration.  They also have very little ability to express these emotions in any other way then tantrums.  The only difference is, you can carry a two year old out of a restaurant.

6)  Logic does not apply.  Cause and effect are foreign concepts invented by the MAN!

7)  Impulse control does not exist!  “If I want it, I should get it,” becomes the catalyst for most behaviors.  “If I feel it, I should say it,”  Is also popular.

8)  Pride rules over all.  You wouldn’t think that a two year old has pride.  Well, they don’t have a word for it, but I think the fierce independence is ruled by an immature sense of pride.  Where as a 12 year old has this uncontrollable need to prove themselves, as a teenager, as independent, as better than the weakest kid next to them.

9)  Single mindedness.  This is that bizarre, obsessive quality where a two year old will watch the same tv show or movie 150 times, and a 12 year old will collect, read, and watch all things related to their favorite subject.

10)  Selective hearing.  A two year old can pretend they don’t understand the words, where as a 12 year old pretends they don’t hear them.

Of course there are differences.  But the similarities are strong enough, that I think I have developed a way to handle my toddler.  Here’s hoping I actually know what I am doing.  (Another way of saying this is, “Please oh please don’t let me screw up my kid!)

I have to admit, it really really sucks when you are over thirty and your metabolism craps out on you.  I was hoping that I would be able to just watch my diet to maintain my weight loss.  But, unfortunately, getting older has had an adverse effect on my weight.  Luckily, if I start my program back up, I will have caught it before I had to go up a clothing size.  But I gotta tell ya, these pants are getting a bit tight, and not in the shapely flattering way, in the gut hanging over the top kind of way.

I have to admit, this is one of the reason I don’t read as much as I would like to.  If I find a good book, I become entranced and enmeshed and I cannot pull myself out of it.  The first author I really remember having this effect on me was Ann Rice when I was in high school.  I couldn’t put her books down and I read almost everything she wrote.  When I walked away from one of her books, my internal dialog took on her voice, if that makes any sense at all.  Its almost scary.

I also get to a point where I really don’t want to do anything else, and like I said, I ignore everything just so I can read.  This is bad when you are a mom.  I keep trying to pull myself away and play with Chloe, but the minute she gets distracted with something else, I am back in my book.  At least when the TV is on, I can play with her and have that as background noise.  Its hard to play and read at the same time.  Her nap time is completely taken up with reading, so I don’t do any of the chores I usually save until she is sleeping.  I think there is a third book in this series, but I may have to wait and read it later, I need time to recuperate!

So, what did I learn from this experience:

1) double check to make sure the door is unlocked before shutting it. We never lock the handle on our door, only the deadbolt. I suspect that one of the kids, either mine or someone else’s, locked the handle when we weren’t watching.

2) Have some sort of code with your significant other so if they get a phone call from a strange number, they answer. I called John from my neighbor’s house to get Ellen’s phone number and she could bring me a key. Of course, John didn’t answer because he didn’t recognize the number.

3) GET A HIDE-A-KEY. You would think with the number of times I lock myself out of my car and my house this would have already happened, of course it hasn’t.

4) I am also thinking of stashing a pair of shoes in our garage so, if I get locked out barefooted, I have another option.

Any other suggestions for this particular issue? I am open and willing to save myself from having this particular panic attack EVER AGAIN!