The one where I feel sorry for myself.

Posted on February 17, 2009

I am pissed.

And, I have no where to direct this anger, because it’s NOBODY’S fault.  And yet, I feel betrayed, frustrated, and generally angry.

And, yes, this is in regards to my back.

I finally sucked it up, and called the doc to get the magical shot that is going to make all of this go away.  Three complications:

1)  They (of course) don’t take my insurance.

2)  They can’t see me until April, and that is just for the consult.  Then, when I actually get the shot, I have to have somebody with me because, apparently, I will be sedated.

3)  If I happen to get pregnant (and yes, we’ve talked about trying for #2) I can’t get the shot anyway.

I just can’t seem to win.

None of this was supposed to happen.

When I had the original surgery, it was supposed  to “fix” whatever was wrong with me.  And, yeah, things could be worse.  But, seriously!  Nobody ever said anything about the long term.  Nobody discussed with me the idea of arthritis and more surgery.  I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FIXED.  And I am not.  And it sucks.

And I don’t want to deal with it.  I just want to pretend that none of this is happening and go about my life as if I didn’t know.  But I do.  And it’s only going to get worse.  And that sucks.

But, I can’t let it dissuade me from living my life.  I know what I want, and I can’t let this get in the way.  The reality is:  If I decide to take the “suck it up” approach to back pain.  Then I actually have to do just that, suck it up.  And, most days I can do that.  But there are days.  Oh, there are days.  I can’t stand for more then 15 minutes, can’t sit for more than 30, can’t lie down in ANY position and fall asleep.  I can’t pick up my child.  I can’t pick up my child’s toys.  Just thinking about it makes me shake my head.

But, this is my reality, and I cannot escape it.

And, apparently, I can’t change it any time soon.

So, that leaves me with what?  Sucking it up, and feeling sorry for myself.  Sigh.  I hate this.