Flabbergasted
Posted on October 9, 2008
Firstly, if you read this, and you know who you are, I apologize if I offend, but I need to get it off my chest.
There is a mother in my mom’s group who has sort of befriended me and lately we have been talking about the issues she is having with her son. He seems to be falling off the developmental curve in some fundamental areas, and her doctor recommended that she should have him tested for early intervention. He is only 16 months old, so I can understand her assertion that he may just be a late bloomer and that all of this may be premature. He is not walking, talking, or sleeping through the night. He still puts everything in his mouth and apparently is still drooling. (This is what she tells me anyway, I have spent a little time with him, and I didn’t see him drool.) They have already discovered that he is seriously near sighted and because of this he has to wear glasses and like you would expect, he doesn’t like them so he constantly takes them off.
He seems to be adapting to his environment. I suspect he doesn’t walk because he doesn’t have to. He is extremely mobile using cruising, crawling and climbing to explore his surroundings. But sleeping through the night and his language skills are major issues. She is also not REALLY sure how much he understands. She insists he is a non-compliant child and so it is difficult to accurately assess what he does and doesn’t know.
The thing that blows my mind is that she seems to really disregard people’s advice when it comes to helping her son improve his skills. The conversation started with sleeping through the night. At that time I was there with another mother who has three children. We were both throwing out ideas on how she could develop a bedtime routine. “He wouldn’t have the patience for that” Reading him stories. “He would never pay attention to the book.” Let him cry it out. “He never learned how to self soothe, so he would cry all night.” And on and on.
When we were talking about improving his language skills, we were actually walking on a nature trail. I was pointing out the green leaves on the trees to him. She said to me, “That’s just a waste of time, he’s not going to notice any of those things, he is just looking at you.”
I felt a little stunned. Here she is complaining that her kid is not developing language in one breath, and then in another telling me it is a waste of time to talk to him. Now, whether or not he is developmentally delayed is an issue that will be decided later when he is a bit older, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t start working on some of those things NOW. I was worried when Chloe was behind with her physical milestones, so I put her in Gymboree and made sure we played on playgrounds, and now I have her in a gymnastics program so that she can work on her gross motor skills. I can’t imagine saying, “Oh, she’s not good at climbing so I am not going to take her to a park.”
She has also stated that she’s going to wait to take him to the aquarium or the zoo until he is older. “Right now, all he does is people watch.” And that’s a bad thing?
And this is an intelligent woman, she’s a DOCTOR for pete’s sake.
She obviously loves her son. She had him tested and is arranging speech and occupational therapy for him. I just really hope that she listens to what the professionals have to say so that she CAN actually help him. Otherwise, it will be an exercise in futility.
This isn’t really excuse and I may be pointing out the obvious. But, as she’s a doctor, she feels any progeny of hers should be exceeding everyone else, not delayed. So, perhaps she feels defeated and doesn’t have the coping skills to deal with the stress?
er, that should have read, “maybe she feels.” Of course, I’m not psychic or anything.
I personally think people give way too much advice to parents–and I include other parents giving advice to other parents.
I think it’s easy to look at parents and think “Well, if she did what WE do with OUR child, things would be fine.”
It doesn’t work that way. I got very sick of people giving me advice because they didn’t know my child.
All children are different.
For some parents, getting their child to sleep through the night is as simple as reading them a book, letting them cry it out a few minutes, or playing soft lullaby music. For other families, it’s much harder than that.
As for the nature trail, maybe she’s right. Maybe she knows her child enough to know that he’s not paying attention to the leaves. I’ll watch other adults interact with my son and know he’s totally bored and not paying attention. I know this because he’s my child and I’ve spent a lot of time with him. I know what he looks like when he’s bored.
Why do you suspect he’s not walking because he doesn’t have to? I don’t get what that means? What child HAS to walk????? Are there babies that are forced to walk?
I totally agree with your friend about taking her child to the zoo and aquarium. I took my son to the zoo and museum VERY frequently. Now I look back and think what was the point??? I mean it was fun to a point, but I don’t think it’s an absolute neccessity. I don’t think she’s hurting or depriving her son by not taking him to the zoo.
Do you know everything that she HAS done with her son? I notice with people like you–the ones who love to give advice to other parents. They rarely listen to the parents and what they HAVE tried. They just make assumptions and judgements.
BTW, my son didn’t start talking until he was close to three. By the time he was 2 1/2 we got some intervention from ECI. A lot of children talk late. And a lot of VERY smart children talk late. My son knew how to locate most countries on a map by the time he was 2 1/2….BEFORE he could talk. He learned to read when he was three. He’s very intelligent and now talks a mile a minute.
So, no we didn’t luck out with the child who sleeps through the night and talks exactly when he’s supposed to.
We ignored all the brilliant advice given to us by parents who seemed to think they knew what was better for our child than we did.
I do apologize if this comment sounded bitchy. Well, it IS bitchy. It’s just it really rubbed me the wrong way. I’ve dealt with too much advice from people and I guess I have a lot of built up anger that I’m taking out on you.
I’m sure you’re a really nice person and I’m just seeing the one aspect of you that brings up my own inner demons ; )
Just PLEASE consider that your friend might not be as clueless as you think. She might just be doing the best that she can do with the child she has been given.
One other note: When my son was around 2, he was SO much better behaved than my friend’s kids. He was sweet, polite….nonviolent. Listened to me. He behaved. I thought it was because I was a better mother. I thought it was because I had a degree in psychology, a graduate degree in education, and I read almost every parenting book out there. I thought I was Miss Super Mom and I secretly believed if these parents did what I DID, their kids wouldn’t be so damn difficult.
Well, guess what. It ended up my darling son just hit the terrible two’s a little late. He hit three and a half and I swear I thought the kid had become possessed. He was an angel at two and a demon at three. It really put me in my place.
Dear Dina,
I hate people who give unsolicited advice. However, she ASKED me what she should do for both sleeping through the night and with his speech because I am a special ed teacher. Then, she negated everything I offered. Which is almost equally annoying as someone who gives unsolicited advice. (BTW, thanks for reading! It’s nice to have another point of view!)