Letting it Marinate
Posted on October 8, 2008
One of the things the reviewer of my blog mentioned was that I seemed bored and I should go back to what I was doing two years ago, whatever that was. Well, I thought a lot about that. Actually, I have been thinking a lot about that over the last few months. But to really digest it, I need to go back about five years.
(Cue flashback music sequence)
Five years ago, I was still working in the day treatment facility, and I was getting more and more frustrated. I was watching my program disintegrate EVERY time we brought a new student into the mix. I think a professor I had in college said it best, “If you have a student that bites, and you put them in a room with five other students who bite, kick, fight, cuss and are rude, you develop a kid who bites, kicks, fights, cusses and is rude.” And its true. We would have a group of relatively innocent students, we would bring in a kid who did drugs or was sexually promiscuous, and suddenly all the kids where doing drugs or having sex. I saw a major flaw in the way we were running things.
Add to that, my commute was becoming more and more unbearable.
As day treatment costs were becoming even more astronomical, many of the public schools were opting to create their own programs within the schools with the hope they could avoid “farming the kids out.” I was offered my own program at a brand new middle school, and I jumped at the chance. I mean, this was my DREAM job and I thought it was finally going to be my chance to actually make a difference.
Well, I quickly realized that even though the district was in support of my program, the administration and the staff at the school still believed that students with behavioral issues should be kicked out of the classroom. So, I fought for THREE years trying to get respect, and trying to convince teachers who had been teaching 30+ years that my way of doing things was better then just kicking the kid out of the class. I had some supporters, especially in the special education department, and I eventually won the respect from the administration. But, every day I had to but heads with teachers who not only wanted my kid gone, but they wanted me gone, too. To say it was a hostile work environment would be an understatement.
When I finally got pregnant, I knew that I wanted to stay home. Not only because I thought it was best for my family, but because I was on a downward spiral professionally. The teachers, not the students, knocked all the fight out of me.
I was always very passionate about teaching. I thought it was one of the most noble professions one could enter into. We certainly don’t get paid enough for the crap we go through, and so people who do it must be in it because they love kids as much as I do, right? Well, it turns out that isn’t necessarily true. My blind idealism slowly bled away those three years at the middle school. I limped out of there, and I wasn’t sure if I would EVER go back.
When it comes right down to it, I am a type A personality who ran my own program in one form or another for 6 of the 8 years of my professional life. Now I am planning play dates and coming up with lesson plans for a toddler. I would be lying if I said I don’t get bored.
But my other life, though not boring, was destroying me. I am okay with being a little bored and boring for awhile. I feel like I am slowly recharging my batteries, and when Chloe goes to school full time, I will be ready to advocate for kids with disabilities again. In the mean time, I am going to embrace my reality as it is now. And, just maybe, try to get a hobby or something.