The Toddler’s “How To” Guide on Mommy Torture:

Posted on April 23, 2008

1) Go to bed later than usual and then wake up every two hours. It works best if you can wait until the Mommy is just inches from sleep, and then start knocking on your door. And if you can handle it, it also works well to stay up for two hours straight singing and talking to yourself from around 2 am to 4 am (times may vary). This is a garanteed way to make the Mommy crazy (or crazier, as the case may be.)

2) Approach the Mommy with your best cute face and say, “Mommy, get it, PEEEESE!” When the Mommy asks, “What do you need, Sweetie.” Say with just as much zeal, “PEEEEESE.” When the Mommy asks again for clarification start your typical tantrum cycle. You know the one: face falls, lip quivers, voice reaches that whiney level that makes the Mommy’s hair stand on end. Slowly start to lose your cool until you are on the floor face down crying because nobody understands you.

3) Knock over your bowl of cheerios as many times as you can (making sure to step on a few in the process), “accidentally” squeeze your juice box all over the Mommy’s sofa, and leave remnants of grilled cheese and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all over the house for the Mommy to find.

4) Call out, “Mommy” at least fifty times in a row, for absolutely no reason (other than to make the Mommy crazy/crazier.)

5) When the Mommy is busy doing something, anything, sit on her feet holding onto her leg and cry uncontrollably until she finally gives in and picks you up. Then wrap your legs around her with a vice like grip so that she cannot put you back down, there by guaranteeing that you will be late to wherever you are going and/or dinner burns.

For more tips on How to Torture Mommy, please send a self addressed stamped envelope to Chloe, Mommy Torture Inc., PO Box 1234569101112 (7 and 8 still don’t exist).