Posted on January 23, 2008
I was talking to my own mommy on the phone about why I quit tutoring, and I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before. I am looking at this whole stay-at-home-mommy thing all wrong! I was using this time, not only to bond with Chloe, but also as a temporary vacation from my stressful job. So, in my mind, I was a teacher, who was staying home with my baby. I realize now that embracing this new lifestyle means I have to see myself as a mommy who also happens to be a teacher. This is a completely identity shift for me. I worked really hard to get where I was professionally, and I felt defined by that. I was a special education teacher who worked with tough kids. This gave me character, personality, and even a little self-esteem, because people respected me for doing what I did.
I wish I could say I get the same respect for staying home, but unfortunately unless you are hanging out in a group of mom’s, people just don’t understand it. A lot of people look at me with bemused curiosity and say, “Don’t you get bored? I couldn’t do it.” What they don’t understand is that there is no possible way for me to get bored. I do soooo much. I actually feel like I work harder now than I did when I was a teacher, mostly because I feel like the stakes are higher.
My mom said it best when she said, “I wanted to be responsible for my kids, if they were screwed up then I knew it was my fault. If somebody else screwed them up, I would still have to deal with it.” Not that I feel like I am screwing Chloe up (although some days I do wonder.) I always thought that teaching was one of the most important jobs that you could have, because you were responsible for so many lives, and if you couldn’t treat that responsibility with the respect it deserved, then you should get out of the profession. I still feel like teaching is an important job, but I now feel that being a parent is the most important job. You are responsible for a tiny human, and everything you do, everything you are, impacts that person. And if you don’t respect the sanctity of this role than you are responsible if your children are “screwed up.” This doesn’t mean that all moms have to stay home to be good moms, it just means that you need to do everything in your power to use the time that you have with your children to make them decent human beings. I think that I chose staying home because I am such a control freak, I can’t let go of those reigns.
PS: But don’t worry, I didn’t completely give up on the teacher thing. Today, Chloe and I worked on colors and shapes by reading “Brown Bear,” then making a brown bear out of circles. When she wakes up from her nap, we’ll read, “The Three Little Bears” and work on the concepts of hot and cold. Lesson planning for a toddler gets a bit tricky!
Posted on January 22, 2008
Posted on January 19, 2008
I have been having a recurring dream for a few months now. In the dream, the situations are sometimes different, but I am always back at ADRC (Adolescent Day Resource Center) teaching. The first couple of times I had this dream, it really blew me away because I haven’t taught there for almost five years now. And the last teaching position I had was at Shadow Ridge. So, why in the world would I be dreaming about ADRC?
Last night, I had another ADRC dream, and I also had an epiphany. I think I am dreaming about ADRC because it was the last time I felt like I actually knew what I was doing. Now, ADRC was no picnic. It was one of the most emotionally draining jobs I ever had. Not to mention the fact that I was commuting from Westminster, going to grad school full time, planning a wedding, and buying a house. It was definitely a stressful time in my life. Even though all of this was going on, I felt like I was making a difference. I felt appreciated and respected by the other staff members and I felt like even the kids thought I was doing a good job. Yes, it was tough, but I was filled with confidence that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. And, unfortunately, I haven’t felt that way since, and it is seriously effecting my psyche.
At Shadow Ridge, I always felt like other people were second guessing me and judging me. Now that I am a stay at home mom, I am always second guessing myself, and judging myself rather harshly at times. I also find that I feel like I have NO IDEA what I am doing most of the time. I look around at the other mom’s I know, and I sometimes feel like at some point along the way, they got some sort of guide book, and mine got lost in the mail. This has been exceptionally hard for me because I was so used to knowing what I wanted to do and knowing that I was good at it, for so long. I guess to say I feel a little lost at times here would be an understatement. Not that I am doubting that I am doing the best thing for Chloe, and for me, by staying home. I know that I would be missing sooo much and I never could imagine letting somebody else raise my child. I guess I just thought it would come more naturally for me for some reason. This lack of confidence is making me act in idiotic ways sometimes which is causing me to make some pretty big mistakes. And I am discovering that I have a really hard time forgiving myself when I make these mistakes. I am a dweller, and I dwell for weeks sometimes on something that I did, its done, and there is nothing I can do about it. But here I am, dwelling.
And, I guess the thing that scares me the most is the fact that I started tutoring for awhile just to get back into the “teaching” game, and I discovered that my heart wasn’t in it. I knew it was time to quit when for four weeks straight I just didn’t want to go, and the last week before I decided to quit, I didn’t even plan a lesson because I just couldn’t make myself do it. I have all the classic signs of teacher burnout, and it scares the crap out of me. I am not going to be a stay at home mom forever, what happens when its time to go back to work?
Anyway, I think the dream is trying to tell me that its time for me to figure things out so I can get back into that place where I feel confident again. Now…where to start?
Posted on January 18, 2008
Chloe’s craft cupboard:
And yes, everything is labeled.
Here is my creative solution to get Chloe to eat more vegetables: You are looking at heart shaped pumpkin pancakes. (Thanks Grandma Sue for the heart molds!)
Posted on January 16, 2008
Step 1: Be exceptionately good at entertaining oneself. For several of my companions, this means a hobby of some sort. Since I have no hobbies to speak of, I watch a tremendous amount of TV (thanks for myth tv, my tivo substitute) read a lot of books, and clean my house.
Step 2: Find others who are in similar circumstances. ie: Mom’s clubs or groups. Ours keeps us very busy with play groups and outings, and I have volunteered to be the “Book Club” chair person.
Step 3: Find creative ways to entertain said toddler for hours at a time. My favorite: The mall. Our mall has a new toddler area, a pet store, a disney store, a toy store and an assortment of coin opporated riding toys. And since Chloe has not developed the dreaded “gimmies,” we are also able to spend time at the local Toys r us on occasion.
Step 4: Familiarize yourself with websites that have crafts, games, and songs for those days when you can’t get out of the house and need to entertain the toddler (and yourself) at home.
Step 5: Aquire loads upon loads of toys, books, puzzles, musical instruments, and dress up clothes, again for those days when you can’t get out of the house, or when trying to cook, to distract the toddler.
And finally, Step 6: Movies. Lots and lots of movies. For those days when you can’t think of anything else to do. I find the new animation movies are just as entertaining for me as they are for Chloe.
Many have questioned my ability to be a stay at home mom after being so career focused for so long. But with these simple steps, I find the days pass quite nicely, and Chloe and I are having a pretty good time playing all day long every day! (Who needs to work when your occupation can be to play, anyway?)
Posted on January 15, 2008
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